Navigating Adult Friendships in The Workplace with Blake Blankenbecler [Episode 101]

Lauren 0:00
Believe it or not, I get a lot of questions around co workers and how to work alongside difficult co workers. I’m bringing on a guest today, a self named friendship educator who also happens to be an LPC who loves talking about friendships. I think deep down we all have a desire for better, deeper friendships so we can enjoy being known and seen. And this is the case whether it’s in our family, with a partner in our neighborhoods or our workplaces. But here’s the thing too. We don’t talk about it enough.

Lauren 0:33
Friendships take work, and it can oftentimes be really tough to wade through difficult relationships. My guest today brings some real world examples and ideas to us as adults who are navigating relationships and friendships in the workplace. Blake Blankenbecler is an LPC and she’s a psychodynamic therapist specializing in friendships, anxiety, trauma, and eating disorders. She has a private practice called Fig Holistic Psychotherapy in Charleston, South Carolina.

Lauren 1:01
Out of her work emerged a desire to study some of the most foundational and pivotal relationships that hardly get any time in the spotlight, our friendships. She believes that life is meant to be lived in connection and helps friends have more meaningful conversations and create more sustainable friendships. Blake created and released The Friendship Deck, a conversation game for friends who are craving more depth and intimacy with each other that can be purchased at thefriendshipdeck.com. And we’ll talk more about that. You don’t need to hear about it right this second, but she’ll explain it to us what it is, and I’ll link it in the show notes.

Lauren 1:36
And then if you enjoy our conversation, you can also find Blake on Instagram @BlakeBlankenbecler and on Tik Tok @BlakeBlankenbecler.lpc. It’s such an important conversation to have. So let’s listen in on this conversation between me and Blake about friendships in the workplace.

Lauren 1:53
You got into this profession to make a difference in your students lives. But you’re spread thin by all the things that keep getting added to your to do list. I can’t create more hours in the day. But I can invite you into my counselor clique where you’ll finally catch your breath. Come with me as we unpack creative ideas and effective strategies that will help you be the counselor who leaves a lifelong impact on your students. I’m Lauren Tingle, your high school counseling hype girl here to help you energize your school counseling program and remind you of how much you love your job.

Lauren 2:33
Well, Blake, welcome to the show. I’m so excited to have you on high school counseling conversations.

Blake 2:38
Thank you for having me and grateful to be here.

Lauren 2:40
Yeah, we were just kind of chatting before we hit record that Blake is an LPC in Charleston. And so I know that a lot of listeners might kind of overlap with high school counseling and having their LPC but she brings a unique, I don’t know flair to the podcast, because she has a specialty that she talks about on social media. And really like in your private practice, too. I’m sure it’s something that you bring up and you talk about a lot because you’ve researched on. So tell us a little bit about like your passion project of what you’re here to talk about.

Blake 3:12
Yes, So I fell into this kind of accidentally, but it makes a lot of sense looking back as most things do. I specialize in friendships. And so I studied them and research them. I am a friend myself. So you know, current and former friends.

Blake 3:31
Exactly. But I have you know, I never set out to do this. But my husband and I after we got married, we moved way too many times. So literally from the East Coast to the West Coast, we have lived all over and in the middle. And I’ve been a private practice therapist in all of those states. And something that I noticed throughout was this theme of friendship of there’s kind of a sense where it’s okay to have, say issues with a romantic partner. But when it comes to friendships, there’s so much shame on like, I don’t know how to do this well, or I don’t have friends and so I just started noticing like, Wow, all over the country people are having some questions and issues and just curiosities about like how to be a better friend. And so that’s kind of where this birth is just wanting to create more conversations and language around friendships because they’re so important.

Lauren 4:25
Yeah. And like you said, it’s like this unifying theme like all of us have it whether it’s different life stages, like I remember moving somewhere new after college and thinking, okay, making friends is different than when you got to college. Because when you got to college, everybody wanted to make friends with each other. And now people have their own worlds and how do we make friends? So I remember that being like a really big moment in turning.

Lauren 4:48
But I really wanted to talk to you about friendships in the workplace today because we’re counselors we naturally I think are pretty good at relationships or you would think so but maybe it’s like navigating other people’s relationships. And then sometimes when it comes to us, we get a little hung up, or we’re dealing with someone who’s difficult. And we would like to be their friend, or at least like to be like, cordial with them. So let’s talk about the importance of friendships in the workplace. Like, are they important? Do we need to be friends with people that we work with? And like, how should we balance that?

Blake 5:22
Oh, my gosh, I’m gonna give my great therapist answer on it. Right? It depends. It depends. It depends. But all in all, do we need friends in the workplace? Absolutely. I mean, we spent so much time there. And we know that spending time with people, we turn into the people that we spend time with the most. And so if we are spending time with people at work, who make us upset, who make us really aggravated, who make us frustrated, we will begin internalizing those same traits. And so I would say it’s actually very important that you are surrounding yourself with friends, but also friends that are positive, that are excited, that help you connect to what you are passionate about.

Blake 6:02
And I know I want to add a caveat when I say this, because I think it can be easy to be like, Oh, I cannot talk about bad things, or I can’t talk about what I’m struggling. That is not the case at all, because we need those friends very much, especially at work to be like, Oh, my gosh, this is so frustrating. Because we all have those days, no matter and even as counselors, I know that sometimes clients forget that. Like, we are very much humans, we have bad days. And we do need those people and those friends to look us in the eyes and just say like, I get it, it is a hard day, it will end your okay, I love you go get back to work.

Lauren 6:37
Exactly. So when I don’t know, like whether someone is brand new in a workplace, or they’ve been there a long time they decide, okay, I want to be friends with these people, as an adult, that can be kind of weird to navigate. How do they go about as an adult, like making friends with the people they work with? Like they might be in a department with some other counselors, but maybe they’re not. And maybe they have to kind of reach out farther into the school and put their feelers out and probably be a little bit more vulnerable with people that they’re not in meetings with 24/7? Like, how do we as adults do that? Because like, we’re teaching kids how to do that. How do we teach ourselves?

Blake 7:17
Well, a funny thing is we think as adults we don’t have to go back to middle school, or we don’t have to go back to high school. And it’s funny being counselors, you are literally back in those places. But I think emotionally, we have to remember too, that making new friends feels a lot like sitting at the middle school lunch table.

Lauren 7:37
I always think when I would have a brand new student, I’d be like, Oh, I do not envy you at all, like bringing you to the cafeteria. And I’m like, here, go find some friends. Like that’s hard.

Blake 7:48
So just even acknowledging like, it will feel cringy it will feel awkward, it will feel vulnerable. It doesn’t have to be all that but just expecting like, you’re probably doing the right thing and on the right track. If you do feel like you’re in middle school, I’d like to like me let you be my friend.

Lauren 8:06
Right? You’re putting yourself out there. It’s not going to be perfect.

Blake 8:10
Exactly no, it’s not going to be perfect. And because you’re already nervous, you’re probably going to show up in some weird, quirky ways, which is fine.

Lauren 8:17
Yeah, people appreciate that. Because other people feel the same way probably.

Blake 8:20
Exactly, but and so just knowing internally, I know it feels bad. And I know you’re judging yourself. But there’s research that I love talking about when it comes to making new friends. It’s called the liking gap. And it’s essentially this research where they had two groups of people say the participants and the judgers, and their participants introduce themselves, these were both strangers to each other. And then after they did some small talk for a while they each graded themselves. So the participants judge, like how likable do you think that the judges were towards me? And then the other people were like, how likable that I experienced them. And so the gap comes from this reality that the participants always judged themselves as far less likable than they were actually experienced.

Lauren 9:03
That’s what my guess was gonna be like, we’re harder on ourselves. And the other person is like, No, that was a normal conversation.

Blake 9:09
Exactly, exactly. So just know you are being hard on yourself, you are probably replaying things that they are not thinking about. And that’s okay. And to circle back when it comes to making new friends. Yeah, you have to put yourself out there and I’m actually a big advocate of outing yourself right from the get go of just naming like, I would love to make some new friends and even telling somebody if you have like one person at work, like, hey, I need to make some new friends. Do you know anybody within this community that you think I would click with or connect with, like, could you connect us? And so being really bold and putting yourself out there. I think we like I’m thinking about when people have told me that I so appreciate that vulnerability, and that kindness that I’m like, yes, let me help you make friends because I also know I have been new to places and it is not fun making New friends. So let me bridge that gap for you.

Lauren 10:02
Yeah, I saw that video I think he shared it from Tik Tok, where it was like the girl. And she happened to go to Clemson where a lot of students from around where I am from, but she was like, Hey, I’m a new student at Clemson and I have no friends. I would like to be friends with people. And I was like, wow, the power of social media with that, too. I’m sure other college students are feeling the exact same way. But nobody wants to say it. And she put it out there and I don’t know what their response was from others, but I’m sure people responded to that.

Blake 10:33
Do you know what’s so funny is well, first that reel if you go back, it’s how to make friends in college. You can find it on my Instagram. And so posted it a year ago and reposted it this fall. And it went viral on Instagram, which I’m like, I’m so sorry to the girl.

Lauren 10:49
Back again, you probably have friends now.

Blake 10:52
Exactly. You have friends out. But what’s so sweet as I’ve gotten so many DMS from people saying like, Hey, I’m a freshman or I’m a sophomore at Clemson to like, please put us in contact because I would love to help her. So I think even just remembering like people love to help, but they need to know that you need help.

Lauren 11:09
Yeah, you can’t just keep going to work each day thinking this is miserable. I have no friends and not tell anyone because as adults, like somebody could have been there for years. And they might be the really well connected person, but they don’t know that you need connecting. Or you maybe you’re not putting off a vibe, like I have the capacity or I want to go out and meet new friends. Because there are different seasons in my life where I’m like, I can’t take on another friendship. I’m kind of I’m at capacity with the five people in my really close circle right now. But I can help connect you to someone else. Like I don’t know if I can be your friend right now. But like I can connect you.

Blake 11:42
Exactly. And I think that that’s the beautiful thing is it’s not about becoming friends with everybody. Because I am a big proponent, we have a finite amount of time. And so to do really deep, intentional friendship, we can only do that with a handful of people. But with friends on like periphery friends or friends in our second and third circle like we can connect people.

Lauren 12:04
Yeah. And in the workplace, you mentioned this, but it’s like, it’s so important to have those people because you enjoy going to work more I know that’s not the point of going to work and you have a job to do. But it’s so much more enjoyable when you enjoy the people that you eat lunch with or get to catch up with coffee with someone for five minutes in the morning before the day starts. Like those are important. At least they were to me.

Blake 12:27
They’re really important. And there are so many studies that show like those small interactions of like, Hey, how are your kids? How was the game last night? Or like, are you getting sleep, I know that the baby’s teething. Like those small interactions actually give both of you like doses of oxytocin and really help you have better days than if you don’t talk to anybody.

Lauren 12:48
Yes, I’m like nodding my head so big right now, just think of those days when you feel alone in the trenches. And especially as a counselor where it can feel really heavy emotionally on some days, just to have somebody who, who also knows like there was a crisis in the school and you were dealing with it most of the day and being able to check in because even your partner at home doesn’t understand in the same way as a co-counselor or somebody who’s just co laboring in it with you in the workplace.

Blake 13:17
Right. Like you just need people to feel safe with and I know I mean, gosh, thinking about the teachers, counselors like in school today, like their questions of safety that arise just because of all the violence that’s happening. It’s really scary. And so to even just have those moments, where our body gets to land with other people, and we get those moments. I mean, we teach that to you know, your kids like how to feel safe, how to be in your window of tolerance. To have those moments at school really, really helps us get through the days

Lauren 13:47
Is it a goal of yours to get some small groups up and running at your high school are small group the tasks that just keep getting pushed down on your to do list and never make it to your actual calendar and then out into the world? I want you to check out my curated podcast playlist just for small group counseling. The episodes featured cover topics like overall benefits of small groups, partner buy in student buy in facilitation tips and more. Head to counselorclique.com/smallgroupplaylist, to put this playlist in your Spotify lineup and get inspired to run some small groups this year. That’s counselorclique.com/smallgroupplaylist. Now let’s get back to the episode.

Lauren 14:29
So let’s shift gears into like the I think harder parts I think maybe this is gonna be different for everybody. But I think making friends is a little easier for me then the conflict in the workplace because that could just be awkward if you work with someone who just feels difficult all the time. Or if you have a conflict with another adult like it just feels icky sometimes like I don’t want to step into that if I don’t have to. And again like we know how to teach a Learn how to resolve conflict. But sometimes it doesn’t come easy for us as adults, and we don’t want to like sit in it. What advice would you have? Or what would you tell a counselor who is struggling with somebody who’s maybe on their team for the long haul?

Blake 15:14
Yeah I mean, you have to play the long game here. So that usually means stretching yourself. There’s these terms from this book, big friendship that I love, Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedma wrote it. And they talked about these concepts of friendship stretching, and friendship straining. So I would say conflict with the friend is going to stretch both of you, meaning it’s going to be uncomfortable, but ultimately, it leads to more flexibility, more sustainability, and you’re not getting emotionally injured, so to speak. Friendship straining, on the other hand, is when only one of you is doing all of the work. Say you do have a really difficult coworker or friend. And you’re finding yourself like people pleasing walking on eggshells, like, you’re gonna get real resentful, real fast.

Lauren 15:58
Yeah, I think those are things that I mean, people are probably nodding their head identifying with like, Yes, I have that person who I am. I’m doing all the things you just named. And that’s how I feel right now.

Blake 16:08
Yeah, for so many of us who are counselors, we love to help, we love to make things easier. And so we ourselves can even collude with a pattern of letting the other person or friend be more difficult and us just making it easier. And so if there’s one huge theme of my friendship work, it is about the reality that you have to deal with directly with conflict. And that conflict dealt with correctly breeds intimacy.

Lauren 16:35
Yeah.

Blake 16:35
So actually going straight to that person. And naming the pattern is really, really helpful in allowing you both to have a conversation of like, Hey, this is what’s going on. I think about that Mary Oliver quote, and it’s like people are kind or mean, for very different serious reasons. I’m butchering it, because she’s an incredible poet.

Lauren 16:58
That’s the idea.

Blake 16:59
But that’s the idea, right? Like people who are listening this, it makes sense why people are behaving the way they behave when you hear the stories and hear what they’re going through. And it’s not that we need to know every single deep, dark secret of the people that we work with. But sometimes can we make a more generous assumption of what’s going on with our friends? Because I think when we’re making generous assumptions, that allows us to show up to the conversation we can have with them and saying, like, Hey, I’ve noticed there’s this dynamic that’s happening, where you come in and XYZ, you know, this happens, and the behaviors impacting me this way, I’m wondering if there’s a different way that we can navigate this together to make this more enjoyable for both of us?

Blake 17:44
Like, am I missing something? Am I not giving you something? Am I like, are you needing something differently? For me? Here’s what I need a little less of, like, maybe before you vent, and like dump about this child? Like, could you ask if I’m in a headspace to do that? Like, do I have, you know, a few free minutes. And so just speaking directly to the person that we’re having conflicts with, I’m going to say 85% of the time is going to be the best bet. Instead of talking. I know, it’s so easy to do. I’ve done it too, instead of talking to everybody else, but the person you are having the conflict with at work.

Lauren 18:20
Yeah, I love that sample script of it. Because you could run that through any different scenario. I was like, just thinking in my head of the times I’ve done that well, and the times I haven’t done that well, and how icky, it feels like when you have vented to other people and not the person, like it’s not gonna get solved when you don’t talk to that person. And thinking, Okay, if that could be the outcome, like, it’s not going to get solved. And if it got back to them, like that’s not going to feel good. Or you go into it, and maybe it doesn’t potentially feel good for a few minutes. But you both walk away and have some time to process. And I think good things come from that.

Blake 18:57
Exactly. Like I think just remembering, if you were venting about it and gossiping about it to other people, you are also prolonged like you were part of the pattern, you are prolonging it. And your work is to speak directly to them, which I know can be so hard. But it’s learning frustration tolerance that we teach our kids, it’s learning how to have these hard conversations, it will be frustrating, but it’s a frustration that will lead to change. Versus it’s really frustrating to vent and nothing changes.

Lauren 19:27
Right. And the way that you gave the example was not like you walk into somebody’s office and say you, you, you, you. It is about you the person who’s sharing it like this is how it’s making you feel. Those are legitimate reasons like your emotions or your stress level is now higher your emotions are tied into this like it’s it’s something that you want to talk about and you want to get out there in the world. And like you said, maybe you learn a little bit more about that person’s story when you ask them about It like, is there something right that I’m missing that I could be doing better? Like you go into it humbly. And I mean, I think like you both, it’s hard for both people, but you can both take steps forward.

Blake 20:12
Exactly, exactly, know that there will be defensiveness probably at the beginning, but you gotta hang in there, like, just hang in there, take deep breaths, and know that, I think when the other person can feel like we’re not coming at them or after them, but we want to be with them. And we want to make the friendship better than that helps them kind of calm down and be like, okay, they’re not like coming to like, bite my head off, they are being genuine.

Lauren 20:40
And like, the end goal is that we could be co workers and maybe even friends. Like, we got to that level, that would be great. We’re just friends that work. Like we don’t need to be best friends outside of this. But we need to be able to work together and be cordial and potentially enjoy it.

Blake 20:57
Yes, yes.

Lauren 20:58
Okay, so tell us about your resource, the friendship deck, it’s something that you’ve created. I just see this fitting in a lot for high school counselors, like practice with students, but also their friendships, as adults, like with other adults with coworkers, how do you encourage your clients or just people who find the friendship deck to use it, like, tell us about it?

Blake 21:19
Yeah, so I created the friendship deck kind of after the pandemic, I went through my own story of infertility, and just realizing like, I feel really alone in my friendships, and I know, that’s what I was hearing so much from clients that I was working with, as well. Though, I wanted to create something really tangible, that people could get and bring into their friend groups immediately, and start having those deeper conversations that actually get to the heart of the matter. Because it’s something a lot of us don’t always know how to do or it feels awkward to do. And so it’s like a gentle kind of companion to ease you into those waters. And so it’s 62 questions, three different levels to, you know, ease you into deeper vulnerability with each other. And it’s really great.

Blake 22:05
I think about those who are LPCs will know about this doing here and now work. So with therapy, it’s like you talk about the relationship you have between like the therapist and the client, like, what’s this feel like knowing that? Yeah, there are just so many good, juicy things that show up there. And part of the reason I do that, with my clients so much is because I want to help them build skills to do that with their friends and their relationships outside of therapy. And so this deck is also kind of a tool to do just that, to start talking about the dynamics between, which is exactly what conflict is, is it’s like, there’s this weird dynamic that’s happening where like, you make all the decisions, I’m never making the decisions.

Blake 22:44
If I state the need, it gets overwhelmed, or no one listens, XYZ, like, it’s a way to gently start talking about that, like I pulled a card, one of my favorites, it’s from level two, it’s what causes you to lean into a friendship and what causes you to pull back? Because I think they’re these little nuances that all of us can read into of like, you know, you don’t use emojis when you text back. Are you mad at me?

Lauren 23:10
And like, that wouldn’t be something that I would even notice that all but somebody else will send them spiraling, wondering, are we even friends anymore?

Blake 23:19
Are we even friends, and so beginning to even know what those things are for our friends and talking about them, we can be more vigilant and caring about our friends. So, if in essence, we’re asking them something, and we’ve already heard, like, oh, they get really nervous, if it’s like a very blunt, like, they just need a gentle a gentle smile emoji so they can know the tone. I can remember to do that with my friends when I’m asking them for something or when I’m, you know, needing something from them. And so, yeah, it’s this really beautiful, fun, playful way to start talking about your friendship dynamics, because something we forget is, these are not set it and forget it relationships, just like we have to work on the relationship we have with our partners, with our kids. Friendships are also relationships that need to be nurtured and nourished. And this is a beautiful, tangible way that you can do it from the get go.

Lauren 24:10
I will definitely link that in the show notes. Yes, I did. Because I feel like even as a counselor, if you’re doing that work, you will be a better counselor to students and stuff too. So whether you’re doing it like personally or you’re using it with a student to teach them I just see it as a really helpful tool.

Blake 24:27
Yes, definitely a helpful tool. There are a few questions about sex, so just pull those out.

Lauren 24:33
So go through it before you before you use it with students. Good to know.

Blake 24:40
Yes.

Lauren 24:40
Well, it it’s only 62 questions. So it’s like probably really easy to flip through and read them all and back in if you’re gonna use those later or just yeah, really pull them out if you’re gonna keep it at school. Well, like is there anything we didn’t talk about that you wanted to add about friendships in the workplace?

Blake 24:58
I just think that they’re really important and it’s worth investing in, I think it’s easy to just kind of like put our head down and get through the day to get home, to get our soft clothes on and like go to bed and watch your favorite shows. But I think if we can remember and find, and I know we’re all tired, and so I don’t want to put more stress on any counselor. So if we can find when we do have more emotional energy, to kind of look out for the people that might need more friends, or look for ways that we can encourage our friends at work, it just makes it a gentler, more fun place.

Blake 25:34
Something I really like doing is whenever I am at coffee with friends, and I see what they get, I write down their order and their little contact information. If you scroll down, you can write notes on them. And so I take notes on my friends.

Lauren 25:50
That’s a great idea.

Blake 25:51
This is their favorite candy. This is that and so just remembering like, Okay, I have a little extra time and emotional energy, like oh, I remembered, my friend is having a really hard day at work like what can I do? Can I go grab her her favorite coffee? Can I go grab her like a little snack to let her know that I’m taking care of her, like just little things that are not actually that hard for us to do pay huge dividends and make our workplace a lot more fun and a lot more nourishing to be.

Lauren 26:18
Yeah, I like how you said about doing that when you have the emotional energy to do it, like invest in tiny little bits when you can and then it’ll pay back dividends later. Like then you pull up that note in your phone. And that’s easy enough to do but it’s you know, when you’re the recipient of that it means so much you’re like that was something so small that just made my day made.

Blake 26:38
Made my day like oh my gosh, like you know, I was so late I was blah, blah, blah, like I had this morning, but like, Oh, I’m loved and seen, thank you so much.

Lauren 26:46
Yes, it goes a long way. Well, Blake, thank you so much for sharing about friendships in the workplace. These are questions that I get all the time from listeners and from followers and I just think that you brought a lot of value to this conversation. So I thank you so much for being here.

Blake 27:00
Thank you for having me.

Lauren 27:03
Couldn’t you just sit and listen to Blake talk forever. She feels like a warm friend that you just want to sit down with and have coffee with and chat with, right? I’m so glad we got this time to record a podcast about a topic that threads us all together and unifies us whether we’re in a season where friendships are easy for us or whether they’re a little bit harder. Thanks to Blake for being a guest on the podcast this week. I’ll see you next week.

Lauren 27:28
Thanks for listening to today’s episode of high school counseling conversations. All the links I talked about today can be found in the show notes and also at counselorclique.com/podcast. Be sure to hit follow wherever you listen to your podcast so that you never miss a new episode. Connect with me over on Instagram. Feel free to send me a DM @counselorclique. I’ll see you next week.