A Parent-Counselor Perspective of the College Application Process with Tyesha Hemmans [Episode 97]

Lauren 0:00
This week’s guest is bringing an interesting perspective to the podcast. I’m excited to have podcast listener Tyesha Hemmans on the show to share her experience of walking through the college application process with her own high school students from the perspective of a high school counselor. She learned a lot about herself in the process and says it gave her an entirely new perspective as she navigated this territory with her own two sons.

Lauren 0:29
You got into this profession to make a difference in your students lives, but you’re spread thin by all the things that keep getting added to your to do list. I can’t create more hours in the day, but I can invite you into my counselor clinic where you’ll finally catch your breath.

Lauren 0:43
Come with me as we unpack creative ideas and effective strategies that will help you be the counselor who leaves a lifelong impact on your students. I’m Lauren tingle your high school counseling hype girl here to help you energize your school counseling program and remind you of how much you love your job.

Lauren 1:03
Now, let me introduce you to our guest. Tyesha Hemmens is a highly experienced college application consultant with over 20 years of dedicated service, who has had the privilege of working in diverse educational settings including public, private and charter schools. She’s passionate about supporting students and families with the information necessary to reach their higher education goals.

Lauren 1:23
She believes that knowledge is power and she serves as a dedicated resource agent providing families with crucial information to make college acceptance a reality. Tyesha is a proud wife, mother of two college age sons, Pinterest enthusiast counselor, educator and advocate for mental wellness. Let’s go ahead and welcome to the show. So we can talk all about the intersection of College Counseling and parenting with her.

Lauren 1:46
Hey Tyesha, thank you so much for being on high school counseling Conversations. I’m so glad you approached me with a really fun topic that I think will be really beneficial to our listeners. But give us some more context before we dive in, tell us where you are in the education space now and give us a rundown of your kids and their ages.

Tyesha 2:04
So thank you so much Lauren for for hosting this topic. Back when when my son and I’ll tell you about him in a moment. But back when he was in high school, him and I wanted to do something called the adventures of the college counselor. And we wanted to kind of just share our experience of the process.

Tyesha 2:23
I am 20 years a high school counselor, I’ve had the pleasure of working in a public school, a charter school, and then most recently, a private school. And the experiences that I gained from all three settings were just amazing, very different, but amazing.

Tyesha 2:42
And it really helped me get ready for my kids going to college. So I have now a 22 year old, he did a fast track and finished his master’s in five years. He’s now working in accounting. And then I have a younger son who is 19. And he came home this summer calling himself a student scientist. He’s a chemistry major at a university nearby.

Tyesha 3:12
And it’s just wild that, one I have kids this old. Two, the experiences that I shared with them and the process of preparing for them to go to college, it was quite wild. And I’m sure some of your listeners might have this experience. Or they might be working themselves up to it depending on you know how old their kids are.

Lauren 3:33
Yeah, or if they are like childless all together, it’ll give them some perspective of the parent perspective. So in this episode, I want to hear about what it was like for you to be a high school counselor and walk through the college application process with your sons. And it sounds like I mean, at least your first son was very open to entertaining this idea of like, working through it with you.

Lauren 3:58
My first thought was, what were your sons thinking when they’re like, Oh, my mom is gonna help me through this, or were they thinking I need somebody else who’s not my mom? What was like their perspective going into it?

Tyesha 4:10
Well, I’ll tell you first and foremost, I was super anxious about it because I didn’t want I didn’t want them to be mad at me. You know, like 17 year olds, they have you know, a short fuse sometimes right? Or you don’t know what you’re gonna get depending on the day. Exactly.

Tyesha 4:27
But I was super conscious of not pushing too much and and really being their mom through the process. So I will tell you for for my eldest for sure for the college essays. I love the college essay guy, Ethan I know him so I definitely sought out his help.

Tyesha 4:47
I signed up my son for you know, his essay sessions. And that was a tremendous help. That was really, I think the hardest part of the process for me least the selecting of the colleges, I kind of just sat back and let my kids really explore. I did all the things like even though I’m gonna say secretly, I wanted them to stay in state because I’m such a mama, bear.

Tyesha 5:19
But I did the thing where I let them fly out and do college trips and college tours with different organizations, just to kind of see if this was something that they wanted to do. And both came back saying, oh, I want to kind of stay in California. So I was like, score. But I again, I will say I was super conscious about the boundaries between being their mom and having knowledge of this process.

Lauren 5:50
How did you like navigate that? Did you feel like sometimes you were more mom, and sometimes you are more college counselor? Or you just tried to like, find the balance and walk the line in between both of those?

Tyesha 6:03
Yeah, so I’m going to tell you what I did first, at my high school that I worked, I did presentations, right. I actually had like a college knowledge class once a week for my seniors. So I started off by doing my presentations at home in front of my kid.

Lauren 6:21
What did they think about that?

Tyesha 6:23
They thought I was crazy. They thought it was overkill. They were like, I already know, you know what I want to do. So, you know, both of my boys. They’re super studious. And so they did their own research, right?

Lauren 6:35
That’s a blessing, too. I’m sure not everybody could say that.

Tyesha 6:38
But I think what the saving grace was was when they saw me presenting, and you know, because I had my real presentations that I presented to my kids at school, they saw it and they were like, okay, she she might know a little bit about what she’s talking about. And so from there that kind of sparked the conversations of, of, you know, okay, this is what I’m thinking, this is where I want to go, this is what I want to do. So in that aspect, I felt like I put my college counselor hat on.

Lauren 7:10
They probably already have your trust, you have their trust as mom, but they never really seen you in that work mode before. And then they said, Oh, wait, she actually does know about this stuff. Like they weren’t expecting that.

Tyesha 7:24
Exactly. I think I got some cool points. And then my eldest son, his high school counselor happened to be very new to college counseling. And there was some things you know, she was kind of still figuring out. So he started asking me to talk to his friends and his friends’ parents, or, you know, he’s like, Mom, you know, my counselor, she’s not mentioning this. And so can you talk to my friends because I don’t want them to be left behind and blah, blah. So I kind of became, you know, at least the person that came to for questions,

Lauren 8:02
did that feel awkward to navigate? Like, because you know, this person at the school and, but you also like, want to be kind because you’re like, I was new too at one point, like, I get it like, I’ve been where you are, but I want my kid and his friends to get the information they need. How did you like navigate that?

Tyesha 8:20
You know what? Yes, I was. So this counselor came from elementary. I can’t fathom going from elementary to high school.

Lauren 8:28
So overwhelming. Yeah, for that process in particular.

Tyesha 8:32
Exactly. So I was I would collaborate with her, I would go to the meetings, sometimes I would jump in with answers.

Lauren 8:39
Because you know what it’s like to be presenting and no one says anything to you, you ask for the audience to participate, and no one raises their hand, you’re like, Okay, I see you. I’m gonna help.

Tyesha 8:48
Oh, my gosh, I remember one particular time that there was a parent meeting. And you know, how I don’t know if in your state, you have like TRIO Upward Bound. So the Upward Bound person was supposed to help the counselor out in this presentation, but she didn’t show up. Oh, no. I know.

Tyesha 9:04
So I was kind of jumping in helping. And I thought it was fantastic. I feel like that’s where I shine. So it wasn’t a problem. I think I gained a lifelong friend with the counselor. Great. We were, you know, I felt like in the trenches answering all these questions. And so that was pretty cool. And again, more cool points for my my kids. So that experience was good. But I think another takeaway, I guess I should say, when I put my mommy hat on in this process is scholarships.

Lauren 9:39
Like this is important to our family.

Tyesha 9:41
So I came up with this thing called scholarships Sunday. And with both my boys on Sundays, you know, like after church, we were working on scholarships. And this is where the tension came,

Lauren 9:55
That’s what I was gonna ask like, where did the pressure come? Because I’m sure it wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies.

Tyesha 10:01
No, no, the scholarship process was horrendous to be honest. There were, like, days after where they didn’t talk to me, they were so upset that they had to sit there, it was a real thing in my house. Two hours on Sundays, because, you know, I’m a two family house income, we weren’t going to get any sort of aid, we both college grads, etc. So it’s like, okay, you apply to this, you know, school that costs 90,000 a year, and we’re not going to get any aid. What are we going to do?

Lauren 10:35
Do you think that tension came from, they just didn’t want to put in that work, or they didn’t see the connection between how much it costs and like the reality of getting there. Because I feel like I was very unaware of that in high school, I just thought, if I want to go there, we’ll figure it out. Which is not possible. There’s some reality that needs to set in when you’re in high school, and you don’t, you can’t see outside of yourself.

Tyesha 11:00
Exactly, I think it was a little bit of both. But I think it was more I didn’t want to put in the work.

Lauren 11:06
Like, it’s my weekend, I don’t want to do more schoolwork on the weekend.

Tyesha 11:10
But listen, at the end of the process, it was like maybe 45 essays or something crazy like that, that we spawned from the five, you know, with, we just had to do it, we just had to do it. It’s funny, we hooked up the computer to show on the television screen, because you know, television screen is like 60 inches or something like that.

Tyesha 11:32
So we were like editing essays together. We were, you know, doing that whole thing, which gave me a new, I don’t know, appreciation, or I have a lot of students who do this on their own. They don’t have you know, parents who have been through this experience this even language barriers, it made me want to help my students a lot more after working with my own kids, because it was a lot of work.

Lauren 12:00
And you’re like, these kids in my house have the support they have someone walking them through and they don’t want to do it like the kid who doesn’t have support, who might not be motivated. I mean, can you imagine like the even just the mental barriers to get through or the imposter syndrome? Like, oh, I don’t even have anyone to show me. So I’m just not going to do it. Like they just don’t even think that it’s possible, let alone finding the motivation to do it.

Tyesha 12:24
Again, I had a new appreciation for those kids, because it was it was torturous, you know, to get my kids out to say like, look, we’re first hour, we’re going to search scholarships. Which ones do you even apply for? Second hour, we’re going for it. Like, you know, the college tracker, if you have one of those spreadsheets where you can monitor everything. Oh, they hated that. They said that was a girl thing. Girls do that.

Lauren 12:54
Too organized? Like they’re just like, No, I don’t they probably didn’t want to care that much. They didn’t want to look like they cared that much.

Tyesha 13:00
Exactly. But you know what, when we saw the fruits of our labor coming in, you know, my boys both won, you know, local scholarships. My eldest, he went to a private school. So he got merit scholarships. And so that was fantastic. And when they started to see that come in, it was like, okay,

Lauren 13:17
Yeah, did that motivate them a little more to like, keep going, like was that kind of trickling in as they were applying? And so then they could see that and get excited?

Tyesha 13:25
Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. And then going to those little scholarship reception, you know what I mean? They call you out? And, you know, they felt proud of their work. Yes, they were so excited. My youngest, though, he’s at a local public school, one of the bigger public schools here, and there wasn’t an opportunity for Merit. And so he felt a little bit like pressure to somehow find some extra money somewhere.

Lauren 13:55
He got competitive.

Tyesha 13:58
Yes, absolutely. And I think that he didn’t tell me about the competitiveness, or I didn’t see it at first, but then little by little after he started earning scholarships, he would tell me, well, I need to get two more because my brother got, you know, this amount and I need to make sure. So it’s, it’s a it’s definitely interesting. They’re three years apart. So we had a little bit of time in between to kind of mentally rest before the next one, save some more money.

Lauren 14:28
Did the younger one see the whole process that his older brother was going through and look at it with dread or do you think he learned from what his older brother was doing and was like, Okay, this is what I’m going to be doing soon.

Tyesha 14:40
Yes, I think he learned from it. But again, my anxiety kicked in a little bit because I didn’t want my youngest to feel like he had to go down the same path. I’m super conscious. I don’t know if you have multiple children, but it’s like, I want them to be their own person experience, you know, their own thing.

Tyesha 15:00
But at the same time in the back of my head, I’m like, Okay, I hope this experiences a little bit better or not worse. First one. And then I honestly, I did everything all over because even though my youngest, he was probably like in seventh or eighth grade when we were going on college tours, I wanted him to have his own college tour.

Tyesha 15:21
So, you know, went on the same, you know, trips, and they applied to some of the same schools, but one was a math brain. And he wanted that a finance and accounting. Other, he’s a scientist now. So he were looking for schools with, you know, science majors and all that kind of stuff. So it was it was a different experience

Lauren 15:40
Well, and being in seventh grade, he got that early exposure, but he might not have been thinking anything like he didn’t have any particular questions he was like along for the ride at that point. So that’s cool that you gave them each their own experience with that and got to, you got to experience that with them.

Lauren 15:56
Like you said, they’re different people, they have different pathways and different interests. So I have younger kids, and I am learning, you know, you have to discipline them differently, like, and that’s just the start of that they’re going to have different personalities, they’re going to respond differently in school and be motivated by different things. So it proves that all the way up until the end.

Tyesha 16:16
Absolutely, for sure. And I think what was really cool is seeing them root for one another.

Lauren 16:24
Oh, that is sweet. You’re like as a parent, that’s what you want, if you want your kids to be friends with each other. And yeah, even if there’s like a little competitive edge that ultimately they’d be cheering for each other, and they’d be proud of each other.

Tyesha 16:35
Yes, I think that that was the most rewarding part of it, is to really see them interacting and to hear them, you know, excited for one another through the process.

Lauren 16:52
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Lauren 17:16
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Lauren 17:41
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Tyesha 18:00
You know the the application fees are quite a bit right. So I had this thing. Okay, I’m gonna give you $500 Let’s make some really great choices.

Lauren 18:10
Yeah. Do you feel like they they did that? Well, like they kind of budgeted out?

Tyesha 18:14
Or? I did? Yeah, so each one were they were accepted to all but one school that they applied to. Yeah, and so it really was a sense of, Okay, I gotta make this money work for me. And also, I can’t just, you know, apply to apply. That’s again, where my, my college counselor hat came on?

Lauren 18:36
That gives them if you’re doing just applications just to do applications that might just wear you down to like another one, even though it was somewhere you didn’t really care about or maybe you didn’t do really a lot of research about. And like you said, if money is coming into play, and it’s going to cost something, if your student is not thinking much about that it’s just gonna hurt you as the parent who’s like giving them the money for it.

Lauren 18:58
So I think that’s a really smart tip to give them almost a budget because, yeah, obviously that’s gonna benefit in other aspects of their life as well like budgeting is something that you want them to be to know and to be independent with when they leave your house too.

Tyesha 19:12
Absolutely. I definitely that was college counselor talking not mom, because you know, I have a lot of parents who just don’t even know. And I have a lot of kids who apply to 15-20 schools, and they’re walking around like zombies in their senior year.

Lauren 19:27
I’m like, and they weren’t even interested in those ones. They were just doing it to do it.

Tyesha 19:31
just doing it to get the checkmark or to say, like I’d accepted to, you know, 15 schools, blah, blah, blah. So I think I definitely kicked in as college counselor giving that advice. We’re not going to do that man. We’re that’s not going to happen here. We are going to apply where we would really want to go. You would go to all of these schools if you only got accepted to one, and we’re going to make it work. So at the end, we were happy with Have the choices.

Lauren 20:01
Were there any certain pressures that you felt? Because this is what you do for work? Like you wanted them to achieve certain things or get into certain schools or get all the scholarships? Because you had access to the list? You know, you got emails of what scholarships were coming out that kind of stuff? Did you feel the personal pressure of that?

Tyesha 20:21
I did, I did, especially the first go with my eldest son, it was, you know, I felt like, some sort of eyes were on me, whether it was you know, me fantasizing about all these people, or what they’re gonna say, if my kid doesn’t get into a certain school, I don’t think any of my family or friends really felt that way. But I felt that they would, you know, right.

Tyesha 20:46
And same with my kids. Like, I didn’t have an expectation that they go to university, they could have very well gone to a community college if they wanted. I was, you know, so open with the process. But I did for sure if I’m being honest, and and I think that pressure kind of led to me reaching out for help from other people that I knew.

Tyesha 21:10
So like, one of my foot friends was also editing the essay. Again, I reached out to two college essay guy, I signed them up for college tours at different places. And so I was like, well, if it’s a community effort, the pressure won’t come back directly to me. Right, right.

Lauren 21:32
You’re like, if they fail, it wasn’t just my fault. I involved other people in this as well.

Tyesha 21:38
Exactly. But but we were blessed it It all happened the way that it should have. And honestly, like, I didn’t tell my kids, you know, what my first choice for them was, even though you know, as college counselors, we know, this is a certain kind of fit. And then I really know my kids. And I’m like, I think I think you would do well there. I didn’t say it out loud, until they picked the school.

Lauren 22:05
Would that be advice that you would also give to parents in the process to or other high school counselors who have kids? Is like keep your opinions almost to yourself and navigate where you need to but let them discover it on their own?

Tyesha 22:19
Absolutely. Because at the end of the day, you don’t want them to have any regrets. I don’t want my students to have regrets. Right. So of course, I don’t want my kids to have regrets. So I didn’t want to, you know, put the pressure. You know, I think this is the one this is the one because at the you know, they have to live their life. They have to, you know, both my boys lived on campus, they had to experience that, you know, themselves.

Tyesha 22:43
But deep down, I did have a feeling. And my eldest, he made that choice, he ended up going to the school that, again, was my first choice for him. And when he found out that that’s also what I thought that school is the one that I thought was best for him. He was like, Yeah, you know, I already knew that. And, you know, I could tell on your face when we went to tour and blah, blah, and I was like, okay, dude, whatever. And he thrived there. He really did. It was a very great environment for him.

Lauren 23:16
That’s great. Did you feel like as a parent, that was hard to let them steer the ship in that because I know like as high school counselors, like we’re always saying, this should be a student driven process. Like, I’m sure you’re the same. I cannot stand when a parent tries to take over because like you said, the student is going to be the one living on campus, taking the classes, emailing the professors like, it’s not gonna be the parent. But sometimes that’s hard for the parent to realize. Was that hard for you in the process? Or were you like, No, I know that this is the goal. And I’m going to try and do it or did it like give you empathy to those parents who overstep?

Tyesha 23:54
I think I came into the process, probably when he was like, in 11th grade because 11th grade is my favorite grade, right? It’s where you learn all about everything, the ins and outs. So I told myself then, okay Tyesha, you’re just gonna, you’re gonna have to step back, you know, trust, trust, the foundation that you’ve laid out there, the few times you’ve dragged them to your school to listen to you or to kind of see and, and everything.

Tyesha 24:21
And just trusted you know, one God has a plan for them. I believe that but to that they’re not going to make a poor choice. I really trusted my boys and trusted the process, right? And granted, I did everything that we tell or we hope our parents will do. Our families will do, you know, tours, college fairs, all of that stuff. We did all of that stuff. So I really just trusted that they would make you know the best choice for them. I really did. So I kind of stepped back and it but I had to prep myself for a whole year.

Lauren 24:55
You knew it was coming and you know your kids personalities by that point. So you can kind of I perceive the places where you’re gonna get pushback and where you’re gonna need to say, No, you’re gonna need to sit down on Sundays and work on this.

Tyesha 25:08
I knew it was gonna be those scholarships and essays I really did. And that’s what every kid I don’t know, I’ve never had a kid who really liked writing essays, but I didn’t anticipate that they would be upset with me though, like really upset where they were like, Oh, I’m so mad about this. Yeah, but that happened,

Lauren 25:25
It was a little more explosive than you thought it was gonna be.

Tyesha 25:28
It really was and my husband is so you know, cool tempered, he was able to kind of navigate the conversations when they were, you know, upset.

Lauren 25:38
He was like a neutral person in this process? Because you’ve got the information, you’re pushing them, the student is the one who actually has to do it. So then your husband can come in and be the neutral party. Will you now change any advice or guidance that, like you are always giving to parents, before your students before your kids went through it? Now do you think differently? And do you give them anything different? Like, you’re like, oh, I should, I should say this differently? Or I should encourage them in this way, or let them know this is coming?

Tyesha 26:10
A couple of things, one, my level of empathy for them, you know, just just went up, you know, above the roof. I was always the college counselor who says, you know, let your kid explore let them go. You know, they’re gonna blossom and I

Lauren 26:25
You realized easier said than done. Stay home with me.

Tyesha 26:29
My youngest is 45 minutes away, and I cried like a baby when he left. And he still came home at least twice a month. And I was still I literally sat on the couch for a week. Just like, it’s so quiet here.

Lauren 26:47
Yeah, well, then you were an empty nester.

Tyesha 26:49
Yes, he’s the life of the house, we’re so I don’t know, we’re so square, we don’t do anything fun now that he’s gone. And that whole thing. So when I’m, when I’m talking to parents, one, I share my experience, because I will say, what I learned, as you know, as a professional, is, is different from what I experienced as a parent. And so, you know, yes, I have all the right anecdotes to tell them and you know, this is how you should prepare.

Tyesha 27:20
But really, the emotional part of it is, is a lot, it’s a lot, and it’s something that you just have to go through, you can’t prepare for it. It’s different for every child, both my boys in college and the feeling the emotion behind it was was was different. And so I think what I do best now is share my experience.

Lauren 27:43
And then they can take the bits and pieces of that and apply it to their experience as they’re going through it.

Tyesha 27:49
Absolutely, absolutely. So I think I, I say, I went from books mark to streetsmart. Right. So it’s no other feeling. But the pride that I have, you know, for my kids, and you know them thriving at the university level is something that is a proud mama moment.

Lauren 28:12
Well, I can only imagine what that feels like as a parent, because I would feel that way about my students, you know, who’ve overcome odds, or, you know, stepped out of their comfort zone to go to a four year college and they never thought that was possible. You know, you have all those stories of the students who you know, from school who have done that, and then to have your own kids, it’s just another personal level of a story that is worth sharing. So I’m so glad that you’re sharing it.

Tyesha 28:38
And I will say to my counselor, friends who have children who may be about to embark on this or you know, those considering having children, I will say, you know, go with the feelings, the emotions that come with this, because it’s it’s something like you’ve been preparing for this for other people’s kids, your entire career. And when it happens to you, it’s an overwhelming feeling of again, pride, joy, emotion, nervousness, terror.

Tyesha 29:13
Tthe full spectrum all into one but your your kids have seen you do this for other kids, and they know how much you help because, you know, our job is sometimes thankless. We do this for others all the time. And we’re you know, going to do the best for our kids and set them up for success. So just trust yourself go through the motions and it will work out great.

Lauren 29:42
Well that was a perfect motivational speech to to leave our listeners with of, you know, if they do find themselves right in that intersection right now between counselor and mom or dad, and they’re about to embark on this with their student like they need to go back and listen to that section of this interview over and over and over again. And then get that confidence and just know that it will all work out. And there might be some tears along the way. But there’ll be a lot of pride and joy on the other end as well it sounds like.

Tyesha 30:11
Absolutely. And don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Maybe your kids will be mad at your counselor friends and not you.

Lauren 30:18
Right, right. involve all the people don’t try and do it solo. Because I mean, we know it takes a village and even with your own family, it does. Yes, absolutely.

Lauren 30:28
Well Tyesha, this was awesome. I love getting to hear your personal story and your family’s story, mixing it up with your professional background as well. I’ll link your links in the show notes. Is there any thing else that you wanted to add before we finish up?

Tyesha 30:45
Now I just want to thank you for the opportunity. I am I’m holding it together but I’m really geeking out because I’m a fan. And so I’m just really appreciate this opportunity and and keep it keep it up. Thank you for all that you do for school counselors, I lean on your podcasts a lot.

Tyesha 31:03
Your your site, I purchased a lot from your teacher pay teacher’s site. And I just really I don’t know how you find the time to do all of this. But I really appreciate it it is much needed for us in the trenches. You give us some light at the end of the tunnel.

Lauren 31:20
Well, thanks for being here. You You brought a new perspective and a new light to a topic that we haven’t covered on the podcast yet. So I know that listeners will take a lot of value from it. Thank you.

Tyesha 31:30
Fantastic, thank you.

Lauren 31:33
Wasn’t that a valuable and unique perspective from someone who has been through both experiences? I’m sure many of you have found yourself in the same boat or you will in a few years. Don’t let the stress of playing both roles of parent and counselor weigh you down, grab college prep what I was clueless to compliment and let your student steer the ship in this college process.

Lauren 31:54
If you’re interested in learning more about the college prep 101 digital course with lifetime access for your whole family. Remember to visit counselor click.com/collegeprep and use the code COLLEGE25 to save $175 when you check out. Thanks for listening to this week’s special episode focused on the college process. I’ll see you next week.

Lauren 32:15
Thanks for listening to today’s episode of high school counseling conversations. All the links I talked about today can be found in the show notes and also at counselorclique.com/podcast. Be sure to hit follow wherever you listen to your podcast so that you never miss a new episode. Connect with me over on Instagram. Feel free to send me a DM @counselorclique. That’s C-L-I-Q-U-E. I’ll see you next week.